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February 5, 2011

Kanjoos

Protagonist: ‘Jerry’ (Name changed for two reasons. First to conceal actual identity. Second, to save my a**) (Relationships are very important now a days, especially when you have the skills, talents, determination and IQ which nobody is pleased with)
Class: 4th
Classmate of: Victor Guerra
Academics: Good (but relatively better than the classmate just mentioned above)

Reynolds - 045 fine carbure - This was not a pen. But a symbol of pride in the class. If one didn’t have a Reynolds, a classmate would whisper into his benchmate's ears “Laxman, Laxman, listen --Kamble doesn’t have a Reynolds pen it seems. Ehe". And Laxman would instantly whisper back “What? Kamble doesn’t have a Reynolds pen? Tchah. Pity!”. And they would both bring their hands up to stifle their giggles. The breaking news would soon spread from one ear to another. One bench to another. In all directions. Like a forest fire.

The maintenance cost on Reynolds is partly to be blamed. When a Reynold's refill costed Rs 2, a similar looking cheap local ballpoint refill could be owned using a mere 50 paise. So, 75% saving. Cost arbitrage.

Jerry was surely from a well-to-do family. He had a Reynolds pen, but never spent money on a Reynolds refill. In his Camlin geometry box, besides other standard components, one could invariably find these - Reynolds pen, an empty Reynolds refill and new/partly used local ballpoint refill. Before the teacher walks into the class, he would look around to make sure nobody is watching him. With his teeth, he would tactically pull the nibs off both the refills and spit them into the geometry box first. Then, he would closely hold the nib-holding ends of the two refills facing each other, using his thumb and index finger. At this point, the so built hydraulic engineering prototype resembles two pipes strategically connected to one another. The thumb and index finger act as a gasket joint. Step-1 ends here.

Next step.
Cautiously, he would insert the other end of the local ballpoint refill into his mouth and seal his lips tightly around it. He would then take a deep pranayamic breath with his nostrils. This operation creates enough suction thereby creating a vacuum in his mouth. He would then start injecting pressure into the refill orally. Here, the pressure release would be incremental. And requires utmost patience.

Please note this is a high-level respiratory maneuver and so please don't try it at home. A slight mistake - in holding the refills or exerting pressure - would result in the blue fluid seeping through the virtual joint, straight onto your thumb and index finger. Thus, your fingers would be in a mess. You may end up spending a lot of time scratching and scrubbing to get rid of the sticky ink from your fingers.

I'm so sorry for digressing.

While Jerry keeps exerting the air pressure, a few seconds later, the pressure so exerted would push the sticky blue ink from the local refill ('donor') slowly into the empty refill ('receiver'). This is how the mission of transfusion is accomplished. Jerry would repeat this patented procedure whenever his Reynolds refill runs out of fluid. Known compatibility issues with the nibs ruled out the possibility of swapping between the local and Reynolds refills

That's how Jerry managed to keep up his pride in the class. That's how he saved 75% of his refill budget everytime. Not once, but many times. I was the sole witness all the time. Being his neighbor, all I could do was scratch my head and wonder in awe. The first time when I watched him doing it, I was incredibly shocked. With mouth wide open, as wide as possible. Displaying my uvula and may be even a part of my oesophagus. He looked up at me and wondered at my gape. With a sheepish chuckle he asked "Ehe..What happened re ?”
.
SCROOGERY. Or SCREW Jerry - You decide.

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As you know, milk becomes curd. Caterpillar becomes butterfly. It’s high time we realized that the widely ignored and seemingly ignorable stinginess in children gradually transforms into a characteristic scroogery once they become fully-grown adults.

And as adults, they pose a threat to humanity.

Although I couldn't track Jerry through adulthood, I met similar other specimens. Some even better. If empirical knowledge is to be trusted, please be informed that it's a competitive world out there. Thanks.
.

7 comments:

Purba said...

Is he now a business tycoon?

writerzblock said...

LOL!!! Very humorous narration. But also a little harsh on poor Jerry ;-) Does he read your blog?

Victor Guerra said...

Purba, Lol ;-)

writerzblock - Thanks.
Im sure he doesn't spend money on internet. So no way of me getting caught.

Blue Lotus said...

Ohh..That was smart..Is Jerry for real?

Victor Guerra said...

Bluelotus - Yes. He was my classmate. and benchmate.

Jaya Chitra said...

Jerry should be a cost accountant now. Hope he doesn't read your blog and if he happens to, God save you, Victor!

Anyways, enjoyed your humourous narration.

Vysh @The Colourful Eyes said...

Humorous !!!
Loved this "Relationships are very important now a days, especially when you have the skills, talents, determination and IQ which nobody is pleased with"
Xactly said...

--
Vysh